


To Roman, From Ritsuka

by Mikazuki_Nika



Series: The Love that Binds Us [2]
Category: Fate/Grand Order
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Arc: Solomon (Fate/Grand Order), Grief/Mourning, Healing, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Letters to Roman, Proceeds through the Epic of Renment, Recovery, Spoilers for Part One, Starts with first person pov then shifts to third, Unresolved Emotional Tension, it's in chapter seven so please be careful, no beta we die like men, surprise there's a plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:00:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23370583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mikazuki_Nika/pseuds/Mikazuki_Nika
Summary: A series of letters written by the protagonist Fujimaru Ritsuka, to the one person who needed to be saved most.
Relationships: Fujimaru Ritsuka & Mash Kyrielight | Shielder, Romani Akkiman/Fujimaru Ritsuka, Romani Archaman & Fujimaru Ritsuka
Series: The Love that Binds Us [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1680904
Comments: 10
Kudos: 65





	1. First Letter

Dear Doctor Roman,

It’s been a few months since I last saw your face. ...No, that’s not true. I’ve seen your face, heard your voice, many, many times since then - in the depths of my memories, in the back of my mind, behind my closed eyelids as I dreamed.

We’re all doing our best every day to protect the place you left behind. If it weren’t for Da Vinci’s leadership and the staff’s determination, I don’t know if we would’ve made it through. But we did it.

Speaking of Da Vinci… she’s the one who recommended I try writing these letters to you, to try and bring my thoughts and feelings together, I think? Haha… I’m always grateful for her kindness.

I don’t have nightmares anymore.

I was right, back then, when I told myself it would pass, that it would blow over, that it was “just a phase.” But one thing I couldn’t have predicted at that time was how easily I would be able to move on. Well, that’s not exactly it… the pain and the grief I felt before, at least, no longer wash over me like powerful ocean waves trying to drag me into their depths. I didn’t drown. Nowadays, it’s a faint presence, like the clothing I wear but don’t really “remember” to feel. 

But sometimes… And this is just sometimes, okay? Don’t be sad when I tell you this.

But sometimes, I still cry a little.

In the mornings, when your smiling face disappears in the wisps of a dream, when the alarm clock kind of reminds me of your voice, when I happen to walk past your old examination room. When I first open the doors to the command room, I half-expect to see you there in that chair, swiveling around to greet me like usual. Or at least, I used to. These days, I know better than to expect you in the places I used to be able to find you so easily.

Even Mash remembers not to save a slice of cake for you, and Da Vinci no longer pours two cups of coffee.

But I’m okay. I’ve learned to live around that hole in my chest because I filled it up with memories of you. This is what you’d want me to do, right? To live happily and freely. To protect the world that you saved. Don’t worry, I’ve got it covered. Even though I’m still inexperienced and weak, even though I’m a half-baked Master, everyone helps me.

A lot of things have happened, you know! We’ve discovered these things called pseudo-singularities… Turns out a few of the demon pillars escaped that day and are in hiding. But it’s okay! We’re gradually cracking down on them, one by one, until the Foundation of Humanity is finally safe. Plus, I’ve met even more people and made more friends too. Sherlock is supporting all of us, especially Da Vinci, which I’m grateful for because I’ve always wished there was more I could do to help.

And… there’s something else I need to tell you. There are times where it feels like that old sadness and grief from before, that loneliness, will crawl up my back and reach for my throat. There are times where I wish you’d never been kind to me. There are times where I go searching for answers because even after all this time, I haven’t been able to understand what you were thinking. There are times where I wish you could just explain it all to me with words, not actions that happen so fast.

But more than anything… More than anything…

I want to see you again. 

No matter which “you” it is.

Thank you for meeting me in this life.

From,  
Fujimaru Ritsuka.


	2. Second Letter

Dear Doctor Roman,

Someone mentioned you today.

Her name is Scheherazade, the Caster of the Nightless City, in one of the pseudo-singularities. The Chaldean staff has named it The Subterranean World of Folklore, Agartha. It was a world inside of a story, made by her Noble Phantasm, with the help of one of the 72 Demon God Pillars.

She said, “That one who summoned me told me that there was a Heroic Spirit who voluntarily disappeared from the Throne of his own accord. How I envy him. Things would have been so much easier if only I could do that too…”

Everything, everything, flashed through my mind. The first time we met. The way we tried to save everyone in the explosion Lev Lainur caused. How everyone always called you unreliable, but when you walked up those steps to the Temple of Time, you were anything but that.

We were furious. Da Vinci, Mash… I’m sure all the staff observing from the command room felt the same way. I wanted to hurt Scheherazade in that moment. But I couldn’t, because she had no idea, and because everything she’d done up until that point, was simply because she was afraid.

I’m scared too.

Scared of dying out there, in a time and place where no one knows me. Scared of my friends having to watch me die. Scared of leaving Mash alone.

But more than anything else, I’m scared that I won’t be able to save everyone.

Back then, when this all started, you helped me whenever I was afraid. With a warm hand that patted my head, with a slice of cake… But when it really mattered, when my feet were rooted to the ground, you scolded me.

I’d do anything to hear one of your lectures again. You always forgave me in the end.

Lately, I’ve been thinking that if I’d met you when I was a little more mature… When I was a proper adult… Maybe you would have shared your secret with me. Maybe we could have picked a future where you’re still here with ~~me~~ us.

I’m sorry for being the unreliable one.

From,  
Fujimaru Ritsuka.


	3. Third Letter

Dear Doctor Roman,

There are a few things I hate about you.

1.) You never let your hair down out of that hair tie. What a waste!

Did you know that some of us have always wondered how you’d look with your hair down? One time, at about four in the morning, I got up because I couldn’t sleep, and I found a group of Chaldean researches standing around the coffee maker… They were talking about how you were still working at that time of night and I joined them, and one thing led to another…

You remember Asabe-san, right? The woman with the short brown hair? She had such terrible, dark bags under her eyes, and I think everyone in that group was going a little crazy from a lack of sleep, but she glared at her coffee cup with such a tired face…

“Doctor Roman’s an idiot for not wearing his hair down more often. Doesn’t he know we’ve been waiting all this time ever since the Count Romani Archaman Halloween photoshoot?”

I’ll never forget the way Kunikida-san aggressively chugged the rest of her scalding-hot coffee with a glare and said, “No, he’s too dense for that. He can’t possibly realize his own power.”

I wish I was joking.

2.) You always drank your morning coffee with Da Vinci.

Remember that time I said I liked coffee too and then tried to wake up at the same time as you both to join you? How I wanted my coffee black because I thought I’d look more like an adult?

Yeah, I didn’t think I was going to spit it out either. How embarrassing…

I don’t have anything against Da Vinci, of course. ~~I just wanted to spend more time with you.~~ I just thought some casual bonding time would be good for the mission, you know?

3.) How you never took care of yourself!

Those researchers were right to talk about you behind your back. You’re a total workaholic! I thought doctors knew how important sleep was…

It’s weird how everyone always thought of you as only giving 80% of your effort. Maybe because you only ever showed off your slacking in front of everyone else? Which leads me to my next point…

4.) Your distance.

You were always far away from us, somehow. It was like… you got along with everyone just fine, but there was a sheet of glass between you and the other person. You pretended it was transparent, but in the end, it was a glass room where if you didn’t want us to see anything, to see inside your heart, you simply turned off the light.

And you never gave anyone control over the light switch until it was too late.

Were you scared of us?

5.) Your fake smile.

This is the thing I hate most about you.

You had a job to do. You were Acting Commander of the Security Organization Chaldea while simultaneously maintaining your position as the head of the medical facility. You must have thought you couldn’t afford to show us your weaknesses.

But you were wrong. You were wrong.

You always comforted me, Da Vinci always comforted me, Mash always comforted me… even the people in the staff who didn’t believe in me at first, they comforted me too. I've been pushed at the back by so many different people, both in the present and in the past, and that has always been what's kept me going. That's why I was able to fight. But where was your comfort? Where was your support?

I’ve heard more about you, since then.

You didn’t get a chance to live freely in life, as the wise king that your people loved and depended on. Then, just when you’d grasped your chance, you were chained down by your sense of duty and responsibility, exchanging your freedom for knowledge. I heard that you studied like you were possessed, that you traveled all over in an attempt to learn all you could, and when the right time finally drew near, you made your way into Chaldea.

…How? How did you carry all of that fear, that anxiety and worry and pressure?

How did you smile, in the end, like you were happy?

Maybe that’s what I hate most.

From,  
Fujimaru Ritsuka.


	4. Fourth Letter

Dear Doctor Roman,

I think… you must have known from the very beginning that we would part. Haha… “The Time of Parting Hath Come,” was it?

But I can’t forget a single day I spent with you.

There was always some time between Singularities. Times I would spend waiting and training for the next mission. Times I would spend strengthening my bonds with my Servants and gathering all the materials they needed to be at their very best. Times that you would spend with me, in my room, because you never broke out of that habit of using it as your place to play hooky.

I hope that’s because you thought not being alone wasn’t too bad after all.

I know - I know very well - that you were probably just treating me kindly in order to support me as my doctor and my commander. You probably just made time for me and all of my immature ramblings out of a sense of duty, or something… You were always keeping an eye on my mental data reports, right? That’s why I think so.

~~But I still~~

I wanted to argue with you more.

I wanted to peel mandarins with you, sitting at that kotatsu everyone fights over, reading the Magi Mari updates over your shoulder, again and again and again.

I wanted to convince you to let me have the last slice of cake, just one more time.

Hey, Doctor.

~~If you ever feel like coming home~~

To you, even if the kindness you showed me was just a way to make sure I kept playing the role you wanted me to… To me, there was nothing in this world warmer.

Maybe one day, I’ll get a chance to tell you why. Properly. In the way I couldn’t before, when I took our time together for granted.

From,  
Ritsuka Fujimaru.


	5. Fifth Letter: The Hands that Reach Out

Dear Doctor Roman,

I recently met the Queen of Sheba.

She was really interesting! She was funny, wise, beautiful… she was a little obsessed with money, too. During our final pseudo-singularity to defeat the last of the Demon God Pillars which had split off from Goetia’s faction, she helped us.

The Forbidden Advent Garden: Salem.

It was, in a way, the most difficult singularity we’ve faced so far. Unlike Camelot, or even Babylonia, where we could fight our way through our problems, violence in the heretical land of Salem would have only made things worse. We even had to disguise ourselves as a traveling troupe, you know!

I… could only stand there, frozen, as our friends were condemned and hanged.

Thanks to Sheba’s and the Caster of Okeanos, Circe’s, help, those two managed to survive. But even now, I see the gallows in my dreams. I hear the cries of crows. I feel fear crawling, creeping up my shoulders and reaching for my throat.

But there’s no time for that, is there?

I know… that I can’t expect to accomplish my goals, Chaldea’s goals, without experiencing loss.

You’re proof of that.

The truth is, Robin was right.

I never once wanted to save all of humanity. I’m not so wonderful, so strong of a person. Even the 50,000 people whose lives were at stake in Salem were hard to imagine. I just want to save the people in front of me. The people I care about.

Doctor, this is what the humans you admired so much are like. Selfish, greedy, and arrogant. Ugly, struggling, and crying out.

That’s why, even though I know you’re gone, there’s something I want to promise you now.

Someday, I will come and see you again.

Believing you can save everyone is arrogance. Wanting the best possible happy ending is greedy. Turning your eyes away from others in need in order to save only the people you care about is selfish.

But I don’t care.

Back then, when we were fighting for our very survival in the Temple of Time, that was the future I wanted to choose.

That’s still the future I want to choose.

When Sheba said her goodbyes to us in Salem, she predicted the future and told us to keep our heads up. To keep walking without losing sight of the stars. Another person… has gently pushed my back.

…And she also said that she hoped everything she’d done in Salem, everything she’d done to help us, would make you proud and happy. I understand her feelings.

Someday, I’d like to show you the plays we put on.

From,  
Fujimaru Ritsuka.

* * *

The door to Da Vinci’s workshop opens noisily, and both the Genius of the Renaissance and the Genius of Deduction pause in their conversation to raise their heads.

Merlin, one of Chaldea’s many Caster servants, leans heavily against the frame, sweating and breathing harshly.

“Well,” Da Vinci breathes, blinking in surprise. Sherlock observes the scene quietly by her side. “What seems to be the matter, Creator of Heroes?”

The most concerning aspect of this situation is not Merlin’s sudden entrance, nor is it the stress he seems to be under. It is the dark expression marring his usually cheerful countenance, which turns his gaze into an awful, pained glare.

“I once stated,” Merlin begins, straightening. A hand comes to twist into the cloth of his robes at his chest. “That the only reason why I am able to continue to act as ‘the nice older brother from next door’ is that I consume the beautiful hopes and dreams of humans.”

Da Vinci’s chin raises in understanding. “Ah, yes, because you are part incubus.”

Merlin seems to struggle with himself; unable to stop glaring so fiercely at the faces of his allies yet not intending to do so in the first place. “Master’s dreams…” he pants harshly, “Have become twisted.”

The room falls silent at the news and Merlin takes this chance to find a seat. His brows crinkle in frustration and pain.

Da Vinci frowns. “Hmm, well that’s not very good now, is it…” She turns to Sherlock, who merely stares back with a clear, unwavering gaze. Understanding that the situation is completely in her hands, she sighs. “I suppose if it’s come to the point where even Merlin is affected, we’ll have to intervene.”

“I can do one thing to help,” Merlin says suddenly. “A temporary measure, so to speak.”

“What is it?” Da Vinci asks, raising a brow in curiosity.

“If the problem lies with the bad dreams, then you simply need to show Master a _good_ dream instead,” Sherlock says smoothly, lifting a cup of tea to his lips.

“Exactly. As expected of the two of you, you catch on quickly,” Merlin says, lips twitching up into a shadow of a smile. “I can remain here in Chaldea because of Ritsuka’s magical energy.”

“But your personality is affected by Ritsuka’s dreams, nonetheless,” Da Vinci concludes, a hand moving to her chin. “What if you stopped feeding on them?”

Merlin’s brow twitches. “I ate them before I realized what type of dreams they were, Da Vinci-chan,” he chuckles. “Having nightmares occasionally is normal, but this is the first time Master’s dreams have become so warped. I was expecting another delicacy, not a failure from a child’s Easy-Bake oven.”

“So you made a mista-”

“And besides,” Merlin says loudly, over her. “Eventually, the positive emotions of the good dreams I’ve consumed so far will run out. And feeding on some other person in Chaldea is out of the question as they are not nearly as strong or as beautiful as Master’s and Mash’s.”

“Mash’s dreams too?”

“Yes,” Merlin breathes out. “As a matter of fact, her dreams are the only reason why I am able to hold on for a little while longer.”

“So if you were to-”

_“Da Vinci-chan.”_

“Maa, maa, you don’t have to growl like that,” Da Vinci laughs, putting her hands up in mock surrender. “Yes, I suppose a dark Merlin wouldn’t have the patience for too many questions. We’ll continue this conversation at another time then.” She takes a sip from a teacup sitting at her workbench. “Bad dreams, huh… Merlin, at least answer me this: can you tell what Ritsuka is dreaming about?”

He leans his head back into the sofa, his hair shadowing his eyes and a sarcastic grin pulling at his pale features. “You already know.”

“Mm,” Da Vinci’s smile turns bittersweet. “Yes, of course. All human beings have a breaking point, after all. It would be stranger if Ritsuka hadn’t reached it yet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bet y'all didn't think there was gonna be a plot now did yall? :3  
> The idea about the connection between Merlin's personality and the dreams he consumes came from the statements he made in both the game and the Babylonia anime.  
> Please enjoy what is coming next.


	6. Sixth Letter: Closure & Time

Dear Doctor Roman,

I had a dream.

I met another version of myself. Another Ritsuka, another Chaldea, another Mash, another Da Vinci… and another you.

All this time, I’ve been comforting myself with the thought that “there was nothing else that could have been done” or “I can’t expect to complete my mission without a single sacrifice.” But in the other me’s life… everything was perfect.

You didn’t leave us.

The Chaldea I saw was successful and bright and every day was just as peaceful as it was before the grand battle in the Temple of Time, and that terrifies me. It terrifies me because the other Ritsuka found a way to grasp the future I wanted to choose. It proves a way existed, I just wasn’t strong enough or smart enough to find it.

Doctor, is it true? Was there a way to save you on that day after all?

~~Doctor, everything is different now, and I’m scared.~~

~~I’m scared.~~

~~I’m scared.~~

~~I’m scared.~~

~~Please help me.~~

No matter how much time passes, there are still traces of you here. Even if Da Vinci and Mash don't talk about you as much anymore, even if someone tries to hide your favorite coffee cup in the back of the cupboard so it wouldn't hurt as much whenever everyone else sees it, you're still here. In our pseudo-singularities, in our Chaldea, you're still there.

I was never any good at taking care of plants, but I never forget to water the one you put in the corner of my room, back when it was still your little escape hole. I can imagine you, in my mind, trying to make this place a little more homely. You were always concerned about little things like that.

If there really was a way to prevent all of this pain, then my biggest regret in life is having never found it.

I'm so sorry.

From,  
Fujimaru Ritsuka.

* * *

”It didn’t work.”

Merlin’s frown is disappointed and hurt. Da Vinci taps the table in front of her twice with an index finger, thoughtful.

“You look a little better today, Merlin. Does that mean Ritsuka reacted poorly to the dream?” she wonders aloud.

"We have Mash to thank for her delectable dreams," he replies with a faint shadow of a smile. Then Merlin shakes his head, his white hair bouncing. “No, but I wish it were so. I kept monitoring the situation, but about halfway through, Master’s mind warped the dream.”

“So whether you are influencing the dreams or not, Ritsuka will warp them,” Da Vinci concludes. “This is starting to become a bit troublesome… how can we broach the topic?”

Merlin raises a brow. “You want to talk to Ritsuka directly?”

“We already _did,"_ Da Vinci frowns. "In the few weeks or so after Romani left us.” She taps again on the table. “It seemed like everything was okay. Sure there’d been a few rough patches here and there, but I thought time would heal.”

Time is the one thing they don't have enough of. Merlin is getting paler, and every day that passes seems to wear him out a little further. But telling Ritsuka this would only make the situation worse.

The legendary mage gazes up at a pair of wings hanging with strings from the ceiling of the workshop. “It seems that we can’t get through to Ritsuka from the inside or out,” he sighs. “Humans are such pathetic creatures.”

Da Vinci ignores his comments, aware that, similar to the health of his Spirit Origin, Merlin’s personality is gradually wearing down. As she turns several ideas around in her mind, one of her many notebooks lying on the table catches her eye. “Ah.”

Merlin straightens and moves to stand nearer. “You thought of something?”

Excited, Da Vinci stands up and opens the notebook, flipping through the pages.

“I fail to see how one of your inventions will soothe Master, Da Vinci.”

The pair of Casters look up to see Sherlock in the doorway, who stares at the two of them with an unimpressed look. He holds a tray with three teacups.

Merlin grins at him. “If I didn’t know you’d somehow deduced that I’d be here again today, I would think you have clairvoyance.”

“It’s not an invention,” Da Vinci murmurs, pushing the notebook over to Merlin.

He ignores the sketch of another godforsaken plan on the previous page and instead allows his eyes to roam over the text. “‘Today the Mage of Flowers appeared to petition my great genius for advice on Ritsuka’s dreams…?’ You want Master to begin keeping a diary?”

Da Vinci shakes her head. “Not quite. In life, I kept notes however I wanted to. There were sketches and plans, but as you see there, they also acted as journals. I even wrote rough drafts of the letters I sent to others in these.”

“You want Master to begin writing letters to the Doctor,” Sherlock finishes for her, peering at the notebook himself after setting the tray of tea down. “Emiya sends his regards from the kitchen, by the way.”

“And writing these letters will help?” Merlin wonders, taking a teacup for himself and passing another to Da Vinci. “I see, it’ll allow for a chance to organize those thoughts and feelings.”

“Exactly,” Da Vinci smiles, proud. “It’s just what Ritsuka needs. Closure.”

“And you did the same in order to find your own closure?” Sherlock says smoothly. It isn’t a question, but a sudden and insensitive deduction. Classic detective behavior.

Da Vinci’s smile never falters, but her brow crinkles upward, the same way it does when she’s worried.

“Something like that.”


	7. Seventh Letter: The Love that Binds Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the delay! This chapter needed to be written at the right time.

The door slides open with a hiss of air.

“Senpai, it’s lunchtime. EMIYA-san says he’s serving your favorites toda-”

Mash Kyrielight pauses. The sparse room is empty, but a lump on the bed provides the hints she needs. “Senpai, are you taking a nap?” She’d just seen Ritsuka this morning, after all.

Approaching the bed, she pokes at the sheets, only to be surprised when they give way. Mash blushes at herself. Ritsuka isn’t here at all - it’s only an unmade bed with blankets that happened to be bunched up in such a way that she’d thought someone was sleeping.

Getting ahold of herself, Mash ducks her head to check beneath the bed. Surprisingly, there aren’t any servants lying in wait for their Master this time. Sighing, she turns to leave when Ritsuka’s cluttered desk, situated near the bed, catches her eye.

“Geez, senpai… you’re helpless,” she mutters, reaching out first to throw the bedsheets over the mattress for at least a semblance of tidiness, then turning to the desk. She can stack the papers together, at least.

Her attention is drawn to handwriting instead of neatly-typed lettering. It isn’t an official report.

_Dear Doctor Roman-_

She sucks in a breath.

“Is this…” her voice trembles, small in the empty room. “A letter?”

_I don’t have nightmares anymore._

Mash cringes into herself. What is this? What _is_ this? Something is crawling up her throat, growing larger and larger. It hurts, she can’t swallow, she can barely breathe.

_But sometimes, I still cry a little._

She nearly crumples the page in her hand from the force of her grip. She returns to the desk - this time with desperate, panicked hands - and finds _more._

They’re there. All of Ritsuka’s feelings are there, in messy handwriting, littered with mistakes that have been crossed out. Sometimes a single word, sometimes an entire sentence.

A part of her wonders if it’s really okay to read Ritsuka’s personal writing, but she can’t tear her eyes away from the pages. There is so much. Mentions of herself, of Da Vinci, of Sherlock, of the rest of the staff at Chaldea. Of fun things and unbearable things. But most of all, there is pain. _Grief._

She reaches the last page.

_Dear Doctor Roman,_

_I’ve never told a single soul about this, so I don’t know how to say it. I’ll just be direct, okay?_

_Two years ago today, before I came to Chaldea, I tried to end my own life._

Mash’s knees hit the floor and it hurts. It hurts, and her knees throb in protest, but the pain is so insignificant, _so insignificant_ compared to the pain she feels.

_I think you probably already knew. After all, I’m sure Chaldea runs background checks, and you are were my doctor. Thank you for never asking._

_The reason why I wanted to die was… Well, there were a lot. Because the ocean waves looked so tempting. Because of the cat on the street. Because cold people to me to do so. Because my heart was empty. Because someone’s smile was all too beautiful. Because all I could think of, at that time, was death._

_You see? A lot of reasons. A lot of ridiculous reasons, but that was how I really felt at the time.  
_

_It was why I accepted Chaldea’s recruitment. After all, you’d have to have a few screws loose to accept an offer with such secretive details that they tell you almost nothing but, “We’re trying to save the world.”_

_It was also the reason why I was collapsed in the hallway when Mash found me. Not because of the simulator, but because I’d just had an attack._

_I was at a point in my life where I couldn’t see tomorrow, let alone a year or two into the future._

“So… so that was the reason…” Mash’s shoulders tremble terribly as chills crawl over her skin, raising goosebumps. “If you had died at that time-”

_But then I met Mash. Then I met you. Then I met Da Vinci. Then I met so many other people on our long, long journey._

_Director Olga-Marie died in front of my eyes and there were many others I couldn’t save. But I wanted to. I truly, truly wanted to._

_Because, I thought, if anyone deserved to die, it was…_ _Da Vinci was right. I really do have self-sacrificing tendencies._

_You must have known why it was so easy for me to jump that day. In Babylonia, when we were fighting to bring Quetzalcoatl to our side. That’s part of why you wanted to scold me, right? It’s too bad your transmission was cut off at the time._

Various realizations come to Mash’s mind, like air bubbles floating to the surface of water, and as each bubble pops, her horror builds. She sits for a long time, reading and rereading, trying to make sense of what she’s learned. The answer to how she should approach this must be somewhere in her memories of those Singularities, right?

The door hisses open.

“Wha - _Mash?!”_

She whips her head up. Ritsuka is there, alarmed at the sight of her crying on the floor.

“Senpai,” she whispers hoarsely.

She watches as Ritsuka’s eyes flit around the room in a panic, searching for the cause of her tears. Instead, there is only the fixed bed, the desk chair that has been pushed aside, and the papers on the floor. Understanding is the removal of a cheerful mask. Ritsuka’s expression twists into something dark, and Mash hears the sound of a beep as the door is locked.

“You found the letters,” Ritsuka says simply.

For some reason, that tone of voice, that expression -

Mash lets out a sob. “Senpai…!”

Ritsuka rushes forward, hands outstretched to soothe her. “Shh, don’t cry, Mash. It’s okay. Everything is okay.”

Mash shakes her head fiercely, her hair flying up with the movement. “That’s not right. That’s not right!” She stares hard into Ritsuka’s face. “It’s not okay, Senpai.” She swallows harshly, gasping for air through her tears. _“You’re_ not okay,” she whispers.

In her mind, the voices of the letters are relentlessly loud.

_I wanted to argue with you more._

_How did you smile, in the end, like you were happy?_

_I can’t forget a single day I spent with you._

_I want to meet you, no matter which “you” it is._

_Did you know from the beginning that we’d part one day?_

_For the future I wanted to choose._

_I’m sorry for being the unreliable one._

Ritsuka kneels there, helpless, hands flitting over Mash as if there is a spell to cast that could calm her. But Mash is crying. Great, heaving sobs. Loud, loud, crying.

From the very bottom of her heart.

 _“Khh,”_ Ritsuka’s teeth grind. The sound of Mash’s crying is powerful. It blows away the shields and walls in Ritsuka’s heart effortlessly.

Tears well up.

Finally, unable to hold it in any longer, Ritsuka begins to cry, reaching out in askance, and Mash gives a tight embrace in response. They sit there, wrapped around each other, crying and crying until their hearts are satisfied.

For Romani. For Solomon. For Ritsuka. For Mash. For Da Vinci.

They’ve never taken the time to cry together like this before.

“Senpai,” Mash squeezes tighter. “These letters… they all say ‘I love you,’ don’t they?”

Ritsuka lets out a wet chuckle. “That’s right, somehow, you must be right-” The words are choked by another sob.

Mash’s body is shaking. “Me too, I loved the doctor too,” she pushes out.

Eyes blow wide with realization. _Of course._ Mash had practically grown up under Doctor Roman’s supervision. He might have been the closest thing to a father for her, or maybe her first friend. But Ritsuka had shouldered everything alone. Hadn’t even spared a thought to how Mash might be suffering in the same way. The revelation brings with it a heavy sense of guilt.

“The Doctor told me about the type of person I should call my ‘senpai,’” Mash buries her face into Ritsuka’s shoulder, hands gripping the cloth of the Mystic Code, wrinkling it. “When I finally understood why he had gently rejected me back then - why he had called himself a ‘mere fledgling’ - I was so sad, I couldn’t bear it.”

_When this mission was first given to me, I accepted it because I thought I was the only one who could. I felt like my life had suddenly gained meaning. A purpose. A reason for my birth. Fujimaru Ritsuka was fated to save humanity._

_But if I were really fated to be a hero, I would have been able to save you._

Ritsuka holds Mash close, murmuring, “I’m sorry I didn’t consider your feelings, Mash. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry!” Mash yells, breaking their embrace. She clutches Ritsuka’s shoulders instead, her gaze burning hot. “Senpai you- You taught me so many things! Because I had someone like you at my side, I was able to-!” She hangs her head in frustration, trembling. “Even someone like me was able to become human! Even someone like me…” her breath runs out and her voice becomes small, so small.

“Even someone like me was able to find something they wanted to protect.”

_I’m sure the reason why I wanted to die was that I hadn’t met you yet._

_So if the world is filled with people like you, people like Mash, people like Da Vinci, and everyone else we met over those Singularities - even the Pseudo-Singularities! - then I think… I think I might like it a little bit more._

_I realize now that I never needed an explanation for why I was born. I just needed a reason to continue living, at the time. Even today, I don’t think either of those things is necessary. It’s strange how easily the world shapes you. Will I think differently again by this time next year?_

_The answer must be in the hands that have gently pushed me forward and the courage to shed tears and still greet tomorrow._

“Senpai,” Mash sniffles, holding her hand out expectantly. Ritsuka passes the papers to her.

_Dear Director Romani Archaman._

_I will protect the things I received from you, from everyone. I will continue to protect these feelings and this place. Even the mundane memories have become just as precious as the important ones._

_Dear Doctor Romani Archaman._

_Goodbye. Thank you for being born. Thank you for making your wish on the Holy Grail._

_Dear Roman._

_Thank you for meeting us in this life._

_Sincerely,  
Fujimaru Ritsuka and Mash Kyrielight._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for bearing with my self-indulgent words.  
> I hope one day, everyone who has ever felt this way will find their own Doctor Roman, their own Mash, their own Da Vinci, and so on.


End file.
